Courage to visit the past

Had an unexcepted chance to visit with an old friend this last weekend AND meet her 13 year old daughter for the first time.  Her daughter just happens to be my Goddaughter and I had never met her before Saturday.  Her family had already moved from Oklahoma when she was born but her momma was a dear friend and chose me anyway.

They have been living out of state all this time and only one other time were they in Oklahoma and I was unable to go see them.  Let me rephrase that--I was unwilling to go see them.

I know that sounds awful and it is.  I offer this explanation but it does not excuse me!

During and after my divorce ---I was dealing with so much.  The divorce--the reasons behind the divorce--the pain of loss--the fear of failure--an ailing mother--a little girl---and the pressures of trying to start a new life.   It was overwhelming at times.  And even though I felt the loving hand of God each and everyday during that time--(I say that because it was a truly faith-filled time for me) it was still the most exhausting and frightening time in my life.  Pain-pain-pain.(darkness)

You can't let your life reel out of control for that long and expect to just pick up the pieces and be ok--it takes work and it takes time.  And to be perfectly honest--I dont think I'm finished yet.  Healing is a powerful process--painful--necessary and freeing.

So when my ol' buddy showed up that first time, I was not in a good place.  I was working thru this craziness in a "cocoon" of sorts and I was not able to reach out for her.  It took several years even after that for me to reach out and apologize.  I needed it more than she did--and our friendship grew from there.  I have had several similar experiences with a few other friends of that era as well.

I am so glad to have made it thru(so to speak).  And to realize that I have wonderful friends from the past and I am strong enough to touch those memories that were so fragile to me in those dark moments.  Our breakfast at McDonalds Saturday morning was amazing.  Lots of laughter--stories--and remembering.  Sometimes it felt like someone elses stories until I looked at her and realized it was ok to remember-- and laugh and cry.

Thank you Christine and Erin for an amazing morning and being in my life---still.