Courage to visit the past

Had an unexcepted chance to visit with an old friend this last weekend AND meet her 13 year old daughter for the first time.  Her daughter just happens to be my Goddaughter and I had never met her before Saturday.  Her family had already moved from Oklahoma when she was born but her momma was a dear friend and chose me anyway.

They have been living out of state all this time and only one other time were they in Oklahoma and I was unable to go see them.  Let me rephrase that--I was unwilling to go see them.

I know that sounds awful and it is.  I offer this explanation but it does not excuse me!

During and after my divorce ---I was dealing with so much.  The divorce--the reasons behind the divorce--the pain of loss--the fear of failure--an ailing mother--a little girl---and the pressures of trying to start a new life.   It was overwhelming at times.  And even though I felt the loving hand of God each and everyday during that time--(I say that because it was a truly faith-filled time for me) it was still the most exhausting and frightening time in my life.  Pain-pain-pain.(darkness)

You can't let your life reel out of control for that long and expect to just pick up the pieces and be ok--it takes work and it takes time.  And to be perfectly honest--I dont think I'm finished yet.  Healing is a powerful process--painful--necessary and freeing.

So when my ol' buddy showed up that first time, I was not in a good place.  I was working thru this craziness in a "cocoon" of sorts and I was not able to reach out for her.  It took several years even after that for me to reach out and apologize.  I needed it more than she did--and our friendship grew from there.  I have had several similar experiences with a few other friends of that era as well.

I am so glad to have made it thru(so to speak).  And to realize that I have wonderful friends from the past and I am strong enough to touch those memories that were so fragile to me in those dark moments.  Our breakfast at McDonalds Saturday morning was amazing.  Lots of laughter--stories--and remembering.  Sometimes it felt like someone elses stories until I looked at her and realized it was ok to remember-- and laugh and cry.

Thank you Christine and Erin for an amazing morning and being in my life---still.

Fighting the Good Fight

I'm remembering a line from a movie I watched a while back, where a character who is a priest explains to another priest that, "pretending that evil does not exsist, does not keep you safe from it."

From the first moment I heard those words, I felt that they were some of the most profound I had ever heard.  For evil does truly exist.

It takes on gruesome shapes and sounds in our childhood and in our dreams.  But what ways do we see it in everyday life that is just as scary.  I feel its presence everyday.  I feel it stalk the people and places that I love.  I see it in peoples words and actions, and I feel a call to be vigilant.

Some might think I am paranoid.  Or asking for trouble but I do not think this is the case.  Doesn't the Bible ask us to be ready.  Doesn't it tell us to pray constantly. 

Wouldn't the source of all evil be totally offended today if we all were kind to one another?   Or if we showed patience and love instead of anger and selfishness?  Find one time today to fight the good fight and let me know how it goes.

A Few Good Friends

Looking back over the last few days, maybe even the last week, I have done my fair share of "counseling".  Children, friends, friends of children and even the occasional stranger (ok the stranger didn't need couseling-she just asked me which lipstick looked better at Wal Mart!).

Do not think for a second that believe I have all the answers, or any answers---ok I'm not even sure what the question was!!   But my stand when it comes to advice is be truthful--even if it hurts a little.

I don't mind a superficial complement to get thru a little chit chat, but real talk among real friends requires guts.  Have the guts to say what you think.  Have the guts to be truthful with a friend.  Have the guts to take the tough advice when its coming at you.

Too many people are quick to take the "none of my business" attitude and privacy is hard to come by these days, but we were all put here on this planet to help one another thru our journey.  Take a chance and care enough to listen, pray and tell people how you see things.

I think the world has more than its share of "yes men".  We don't need to hear "yes" all the time, we need the truth.

Over-Analization--how you mock me! Grrr.

My dad always said that I was my own worst enemy.  I thought he was just kinda copping out to a real answer, but as uaual, he was right.

Don't get me wrong--thinking things thru is still the best bet and I've missed the mark a few dozen times where that is concerned, but seriously.

Why is it that some of us get stuff stuck in our heads like a dog with a big ol' bone.  This goes hand in hand with my no-worry zone resolution.  Make a decsion and go on....really!    Everyone does realize at this point that this is fully intended TO myself FROM myself?  Right?

The only thing worse than someone talking to themselves, is involving others in that interal dialogue---its called internal for a reason! (but I digress!)

Thought for today and everyday--Do what you can for yourself and your loved ones in the best way you can and then go on with life--never understood that whole Carpe Diem thing. 

Maybe now I do.

My New Year Resolution---I hope.

I don't think I have ever been real serious about the whole New Years resolution thing.  It always seemed that it was a bit of a jinx for anything you really wanted to accomplish!  Sorta like the reseason rankings for football teams--its the kiss of death!

But I knew I had some serious mental/spiritual issues going on for quite some time now and denial  (although one of my favorite talents I have locked on to in later years) was not gonna do it for me this time.  Not without a possible trip to the funny farm (I guess I better scrap that phrase since Missy wants to be a physcologist)!

Anyhoo, I admit whole heartedly that I have locked on to "worry" like it is my drug of choice!!  It sucks.  If I am sitting in traffic--I worry.   If I wake up in the middle of the night--I worry.  If I am sitting and watching TV--I worry.  Get the picture?   Its my go to.    And it has interferred with my ability to have joy in my life for quite a while now.

But something a priest talked about one day at Mass kept coming back to me over and over.  He has a horrible fear of flying and had come to the realization that worrying about it wasnt going to keep that plane in the air.  Trust in science--trust the pilot--really trust God.....and GET on the plane.

Now I know what I have to do because worry isn't going to keep my kids safe, add money to thier bank account(or mine!),get my daughter into the college of her dreams, make my husband happy at his job,take 5 inches off my waist or any number of things I keep on that damn worry list!

I am going to start practising what I preach to those who listen to me(scarry huh?)  The kids at my Confirmation class, my children and the friends I have that think I have a brain(I love you guys!).  I am going to remeber the words of Psalms I saw on FB the other day--"When I am afraid, I will trust in You".  (It is a good thing that scripture found Facebook or was it the other way around?)  Thats what worry is for me, fear.  And I'm tired of being afraid.

"When I am afraid, I will trust in You." Ps 56:3