My Christmas of learning.

Life seems to be changing so much and so fast, that it only seems right that my "learning curve" might be just a bit off.  Nothing seems to be staying the same and the holidays are certainly no different.

I have noticed that there are alot of folks that are experiencing this same thing.  Its hard to explain, but I'll try.  I love preparing for Christmas and all that goes with that, but it all seems a bit hollow in some ways.  I was truly blessed that a friend from church reminded me that Christmas doesn't start the day after Halloween and that Advent(which starts right after Thanksgiving) is a season of preparation for Christmas.  Preparation doesn't mean just layering a bunch of tinsel on your house, but digging deep to "clean house".  Starting with getting rid of the "junk" in our lives and ending with some real soul searching.  Yikes! 

We may be able to flip a switch for the Christmas tree lights to come on, but our hearts don't have a switch.  We have to be responsible for searching, preparing and praying our way to Christmas.

This year I seem to be needing all three of those in huge amounts.  I think that all this celebration and excitement should be year round.  I feel hypocritical to do so much in such a short amount of time and deglect the same activities and people for the rest of the year.

 I need to feel connected to family year round.  I need to feel a sense of celebration about life on a daily basis.  I want to keep growing in anticipation of Jesus in my heart everyday.

Coming from a gal who use to be likened to Martha Stewart, I feel no need for the "stuff" this year.  I want my family close to me as much as possible and I want peace in my heart and in those around me.  I want to enjoy friendship and laughter as often as possible and I want to grow in my knowledge of God's word.

So I guess I have a pretty big lists of wants this year after all!!  But I'm not going to find them at the Mall and I'll probably need to get most of them on my own.  Deep down I know that only I can make the changes I need to feel able to truly say------Merry Christmas!

I didn't THINK it was a scam.

OK guys your gonna love this one---AND you may learn something!   I did!

I've been thinking doing some work for "secret shopper" or something like that for years.  Sounds fun--easy money and I have a good friend who had done it for years and said it was a good "extra" money project.

Finally responded to one of these companies online and started to communicate some very general info about me and how to get started.  They were very polite and not intrusive---always insisted that I NEVER use any of my own money in any way on any assignment!   See, I thought, very professional!

Finally get the assignment to use a western union location and grade them on appearance-professionality-service--ect.........sounded ok.

They send me a HUGE money order and tell me to cash it at my bank--take my fee out--send the rest to a dude in the Phillipines.   THE PHILLIPINES?????!!!!!   WHAT THE? 

The manager I had emailed back and forth with had a New Jersey address, so I got scared!  Called my above mentioned friend and she said STOP ITS A SCAM!!!!!!!

Seems your bank will cash it on the spot but finds out in a few days its a fraud and they hold you responsible for the amount.  BOO!   By that time all the rest of the money is sent back to the scammers!   Boo!

My friend says call the FBI.  I call the FBI in OKC and a snotty lady says--why didnt you call the Norman office.  Sorry--I didnt know about the Norman office BECAUSE I'VE NEVER CALLED THE FBI!!!!!

Norman FBI guy was a sweetie!  Gave me a web site to file a complaint and was so happy that I didnt lose any money.  Me too!  Nothing says Merry Christmas like almost getting hit with a scam!

Wheww!

Funeral--Realizations--Reality

Traveled back to my home town yesterday to attend the funeral of an old and dear friend.  A few familar faces and a bunch that were vaguely familar looked back at me all afternoon.  We were gathered together by the love we had for our friend--a guy who was the one you always wanted to sit by.  Never judged you.  Always encouraged you.  Could make you laugh even when you didn't want to.  And you knew he'd be there if you needed anything--especially if it was just someone to listen .

But the experience of returning to my hometown has become such a surreal event for me when I do get back there.  Almost nothing looks the same. I can't remember the names of streets or how to get to places.  Everyone I talk to remembers me and I feel like a patient on an Ahlzheimers ward.  I dont remember many of them--or at least not their names.

I think I've figured out alot of what has happened to me--and I did most of this to myself.  I have come to the conclusion that if you have too many "start overs" or "reinventions" of your self in your lifetime , it starts to "wash away" some of the clarity in your mind.

I have "reinvented" myself to survive divorce, failures and pain all through my life and frankly I thought I was pretty amazing that I could use this ability to make it through one after another crappy situation.  I thought I had a remarkable skill that made it possible for me to "bounce back" from anything over and over and over and over and over..........I think you get my point.

But I see now that with too many bounces, I have lost pieces of me along the way--maybe not lost completely--maybe just "put away" where I can't find them.  I looked at so many faces yesterday and I put names with a few--a memory or two with others and complete blankness with many.  I felt so little.

I passed by the open casket as we left the church and saw the body of my friend of my youth.  He did not look like what I remembered and I realized even though he was dead, none of us looked like we did in our youth.  That was gone, not just the appearance of youth but the feeling of joy that went with it.   Too much pain is a thief.  We are robbed of what makes us beautiful and it is not cosmetic.  I have been robbed of that easy ability to feel and express what I feel. 

Maybe I've shut things down too far and too long to go back to "normal", maybe just realizing this will put me back on track, maybe my writing will help as it did when I was in my youth with so many hopes and dreams.

Friends when your 50--OK I'm not quite 50!

I'm close enough to 50 to be referring to it on an accurate yet uncomfortable basis.  Keep in mind that I am NOT one of those "can't admit my age" ladies by any means.  I love this age!  Old people think I'm young and sweet and young people think I'm old and wise---it's win/win as far as I'm concerned, but.....

One thing that is weird sometimes at 50 is friends.  It was so easy when we were younger and had so much time to spend together--running around, talking all night, shopping, lunches, weekend trips of all kinds!!  But over the years so much has changed.  I still LOVE my friends, and I am blessed with many. 

We take care of husbands, kids, pets and church obligations.  We keep the money straight and the house livable.  And maybe, just maybe we get our nails done!  But we can always make time for a quick shout out to a friend!  Believe me when I say they are so, so valuable.

Some old friends go back to High School or before and have seen enough to write a book or blackmail me OR both.

Some friends came along as life was progressing and saw first hand the trials and tribulations of starting a family.  And sometimes failing.  They have seen tears and laughter---success and failure.  Looking back now , I can't remember which was which.  We prayed together and buried parents side by side.  Tough years.

Some friends are much, much newer!  They too have stood by my side in tough times as I make a new life in another place.  They also have prayed with me, delivered flowers for me, cussed with me, forgiven me and made plans for my childrens future with me. We too, have watched others pass.

You know who you are in Shawnee, Norman, Alabama, Texas, Del City and Purcell.  We may not get as many lunches in as we would like, but we are there in spirit and a text away---day or night!

Not living for goose bumps.

I'm not sure if it's my age or my experiences, but moments that would normally rip my emotions to shreds, have very little effect on me anymore.  Perhaps there were too many years of emotional roller coasters, and that I simply "got off the ride".

Don't get me wrong, I still laugh and I still cry, but it has changed.  And depending on when and where this hits, it can make me a bit uncomfortable.  Funerals, births, award assemblies and such can make me a bit nervous when I think I need a little more obvious emotion spilling out, but I just try to look dignified and controlled and go on.

I told you that story to tell you this one.  I have realized that this is a good thing when it comes to my spirituality, my prayerfullness, my ability to worship God and my relationship with Him.

Thankfully, I no longer depend on an emotional "whatever" to define my love for God.

I have always watch in awe that so many people can enter a "rapture like" state in church or in prayer.  I think we'd all agree that I'm not afraid of emotion, but wow!

I know that in the old days , us Catholics were called "The Frozen Choosen", (I don't think that was a compliment) but maybe there was a reason.  MAYBE we weren't a bunch of uptight, out of touch robots, MAYBE we were just comfortable sitting quietly and being in the presence of God!?  MAYBE we thought there was enough noise in the world, that at Mass it was time to shut our yaps and open our hearts!?

I know--freedom to be different--it takes all kinds---freedom to worship as you please---it goes on and on.  Don't mean to step on any toes.

What I do mean is--He is in my presence even when I am not.  He is at my side when I am preoccupied with dinner, where my children are, or if I brushed my teeth.  He is by my side when I am irritated in traffic, burned out at work and when I finally say "Help me Lord!".

I enjoy a good round of goosebumps as much as the next guy, but I am eternally grateful(and I mean that literally) that God knows me better than myself.  And that He and He alone will be my salvation.

I've become my parents. Sorta.

I grew up in a loving and comfortable home.  My parents adopted me as an infant and I never felt that I was anything but their child.  I never wanted for any of the necessities, and I enjoyed being an only child emotionally and financially.

But I was always astounded that almost anytime I stopped at their house, they were there.  Pantry full, food on the stove, house cleaned and ready to welcome me in.  And for years, I stopped in alot.  Needed advice, needed a meal, needed a favor, needed to borrow something, or need a place to hang out.  I needed and they gave.  Simple enough right.

My friends dropped in alot too.  Always a surprise---always laughs.  They all have great memories of Mom and Dad.

I'm telling you all this because I have realized lately that I'm becoming my parents and its NOT EASY!!!  Don't get me wrong....I have a hoot of a time with my kids---their friends--their boyfriends and who ever comes along but Mom and Dad made this look easy.  I think back at what they were trying to teach me.

1.  Love your children--even when they are not lovable.  That goes for your spouse too!

2.  Go to church--you will never be loved more than when you are in Gods house.

3.  Pay your bills--sometimes  all you have is your credit score and your dignity--and sometimes thats all you need.

4. Just put one foot in front of the other each and every day--its not fancy but thats the way most of us get through life each and every day.

5.  And last but not least--Don't sweat the small stuff--most of its small stuff!

Thanks Robert and Margaret.

Puerto Rico

Puerto Rico is one of my favorite places in the world.  I have visited the island twice now, once with my husband, Lou and once with Lou, Mike and Missy. 

The first trip was like a honeymoon but this trip was intersting as well because it was the first time the kids had flown or gone out of the country.  (Even if Puerto Rico is a comonwealth)!!

We went out on a catamaran(spelling???) the very first day and was quite possibly the most hilarious time we have ever had as a family!  Our "captain" was the PR version of Matthew McConouhy(spelling??) and great at his job.  The kids got drown with ocean water on the trip out--spotted a sea turtle--got stuck on a reef--and Lou and I drown on the way back!    Laughter the whole time!! And the most amazing view of our hotel and beach area from the ocean!

I was so glad that Missy loved the beach as much as me.  The whole family did.  No matter what our destination of the day...we always ended up back at "our beach", in the Atlantic.  (My personal spa!)

Rented a car and drove across the island one day to Ponce.  Ponce sits on the Carribean side of the island  and is the home of  "The Cross of the Americas".  Not quite the size of "Christ the Redeemer" in Brazil(Louis's ultimate travel destination!) But very inspirational and a beautiful view of Ponce from there.

Dined along the "Pork Highway" that has been featured on many shows on the Travel Channel.  Outstanding, open-air cooking!  We had so many great meals all week!  Missy ate beans and rice everywhere we went.  Its like potato salad recipes....everyone makes it a little different!

Took a morning to swim at Luquillo Bay that rest at the base of El Yunque National Rainforest.  Its the only rainforest that is part of the U.S. National Forestry Service.   And... more great food at the outdoor kiosek.  Lots of these little food stands with all kinds of goodies!

This is an outside wall of El Morro.  It is one of the 500 year old forts in Old San Juan.

Old San Juan is like a tiny taste of Spain.  The narrow cobblestone streets are still in use but scare me!  We parked and walked!  But seriously, whatever your idea of fun sight seeing is ...its there...history---shopping---nature, its there.

The Catherdral of San Jose.  Its the oldest church in the western hemisphere, this church has been under restoration since before our first trip in 2009.  We cheated an sneaked a peak into the courtyard--amazing!

El Convento is an old convent that is enormous!  They made it into a 5 star hotel and would be a possibility to stay at if we make another trip!

My gang was tired of getting rained on and probably hungry!  Once ya feed them, they are good to go!

Whether we were exploring tourist attractions, dining on the local fare or trucking down the roads along the beach...it was amazing.   I could go back for a month and be busy everyday with the sights of Puerto Rico!  I never knew you could put so much enjoyment in one tiny island!

The kids learned alot about traveling too.  They learned that lay overs at DFW means you take a nap--anywhere.  They learned that getting searched isn't all that bad.  They learned that if you buy it, you carry it.  And I think they even learned a little patience,  airports and tropical showers do that to ya!!

Lou and I were just happy we could do this with them before they are all grown and gone!  What a week!!!