My Christmas of learning.

Life seems to be changing so much and so fast, that it only seems right that my "learning curve" might be just a bit off.  Nothing seems to be staying the same and the holidays are certainly no different.

I have noticed that there are alot of folks that are experiencing this same thing.  Its hard to explain, but I'll try.  I love preparing for Christmas and all that goes with that, but it all seems a bit hollow in some ways.  I was truly blessed that a friend from church reminded me that Christmas doesn't start the day after Halloween and that Advent(which starts right after Thanksgiving) is a season of preparation for Christmas.  Preparation doesn't mean just layering a bunch of tinsel on your house, but digging deep to "clean house".  Starting with getting rid of the "junk" in our lives and ending with some real soul searching.  Yikes! 

We may be able to flip a switch for the Christmas tree lights to come on, but our hearts don't have a switch.  We have to be responsible for searching, preparing and praying our way to Christmas.

This year I seem to be needing all three of those in huge amounts.  I think that all this celebration and excitement should be year round.  I feel hypocritical to do so much in such a short amount of time and deglect the same activities and people for the rest of the year.

 I need to feel connected to family year round.  I need to feel a sense of celebration about life on a daily basis.  I want to keep growing in anticipation of Jesus in my heart everyday.

Coming from a gal who use to be likened to Martha Stewart, I feel no need for the "stuff" this year.  I want my family close to me as much as possible and I want peace in my heart and in those around me.  I want to enjoy friendship and laughter as often as possible and I want to grow in my knowledge of God's word.

So I guess I have a pretty big lists of wants this year after all!!  But I'm not going to find them at the Mall and I'll probably need to get most of them on my own.  Deep down I know that only I can make the changes I need to feel able to truly say------Merry Christmas!

I didn't THINK it was a scam.

OK guys your gonna love this one---AND you may learn something!   I did!

I've been thinking doing some work for "secret shopper" or something like that for years.  Sounds fun--easy money and I have a good friend who had done it for years and said it was a good "extra" money project.

Finally responded to one of these companies online and started to communicate some very general info about me and how to get started.  They were very polite and not intrusive---always insisted that I NEVER use any of my own money in any way on any assignment!   See, I thought, very professional!

Finally get the assignment to use a western union location and grade them on appearance-professionality-service--ect.........sounded ok.

They send me a HUGE money order and tell me to cash it at my bank--take my fee out--send the rest to a dude in the Phillipines.   THE PHILLIPINES?????!!!!!   WHAT THE? 

The manager I had emailed back and forth with had a New Jersey address, so I got scared!  Called my above mentioned friend and she said STOP ITS A SCAM!!!!!!!

Seems your bank will cash it on the spot but finds out in a few days its a fraud and they hold you responsible for the amount.  BOO!   By that time all the rest of the money is sent back to the scammers!   Boo!

My friend says call the FBI.  I call the FBI in OKC and a snotty lady says--why didnt you call the Norman office.  Sorry--I didnt know about the Norman office BECAUSE I'VE NEVER CALLED THE FBI!!!!!

Norman FBI guy was a sweetie!  Gave me a web site to file a complaint and was so happy that I didnt lose any money.  Me too!  Nothing says Merry Christmas like almost getting hit with a scam!

Wheww!

Funeral--Realizations--Reality

Traveled back to my home town yesterday to attend the funeral of an old and dear friend.  A few familar faces and a bunch that were vaguely familar looked back at me all afternoon.  We were gathered together by the love we had for our friend--a guy who was the one you always wanted to sit by.  Never judged you.  Always encouraged you.  Could make you laugh even when you didn't want to.  And you knew he'd be there if you needed anything--especially if it was just someone to listen .

But the experience of returning to my hometown has become such a surreal event for me when I do get back there.  Almost nothing looks the same. I can't remember the names of streets or how to get to places.  Everyone I talk to remembers me and I feel like a patient on an Ahlzheimers ward.  I dont remember many of them--or at least not their names.

I think I've figured out alot of what has happened to me--and I did most of this to myself.  I have come to the conclusion that if you have too many "start overs" or "reinventions" of your self in your lifetime , it starts to "wash away" some of the clarity in your mind.

I have "reinvented" myself to survive divorce, failures and pain all through my life and frankly I thought I was pretty amazing that I could use this ability to make it through one after another crappy situation.  I thought I had a remarkable skill that made it possible for me to "bounce back" from anything over and over and over and over and over..........I think you get my point.

But I see now that with too many bounces, I have lost pieces of me along the way--maybe not lost completely--maybe just "put away" where I can't find them.  I looked at so many faces yesterday and I put names with a few--a memory or two with others and complete blankness with many.  I felt so little.

I passed by the open casket as we left the church and saw the body of my friend of my youth.  He did not look like what I remembered and I realized even though he was dead, none of us looked like we did in our youth.  That was gone, not just the appearance of youth but the feeling of joy that went with it.   Too much pain is a thief.  We are robbed of what makes us beautiful and it is not cosmetic.  I have been robbed of that easy ability to feel and express what I feel. 

Maybe I've shut things down too far and too long to go back to "normal", maybe just realizing this will put me back on track, maybe my writing will help as it did when I was in my youth with so many hopes and dreams.

Friends when your 50--OK I'm not quite 50!

I'm close enough to 50 to be referring to it on an accurate yet uncomfortable basis.  Keep in mind that I am NOT one of those "can't admit my age" ladies by any means.  I love this age!  Old people think I'm young and sweet and young people think I'm old and wise---it's win/win as far as I'm concerned, but.....

One thing that is weird sometimes at 50 is friends.  It was so easy when we were younger and had so much time to spend together--running around, talking all night, shopping, lunches, weekend trips of all kinds!!  But over the years so much has changed.  I still LOVE my friends, and I am blessed with many. 

We take care of husbands, kids, pets and church obligations.  We keep the money straight and the house livable.  And maybe, just maybe we get our nails done!  But we can always make time for a quick shout out to a friend!  Believe me when I say they are so, so valuable.

Some old friends go back to High School or before and have seen enough to write a book or blackmail me OR both.

Some friends came along as life was progressing and saw first hand the trials and tribulations of starting a family.  And sometimes failing.  They have seen tears and laughter---success and failure.  Looking back now , I can't remember which was which.  We prayed together and buried parents side by side.  Tough years.

Some friends are much, much newer!  They too have stood by my side in tough times as I make a new life in another place.  They also have prayed with me, delivered flowers for me, cussed with me, forgiven me and made plans for my childrens future with me. We too, have watched others pass.

You know who you are in Shawnee, Norman, Alabama, Texas, Del City and Purcell.  We may not get as many lunches in as we would like, but we are there in spirit and a text away---day or night!

Not living for goose bumps.

I'm not sure if it's my age or my experiences, but moments that would normally rip my emotions to shreds, have very little effect on me anymore.  Perhaps there were too many years of emotional roller coasters, and that I simply "got off the ride".

Don't get me wrong, I still laugh and I still cry, but it has changed.  And depending on when and where this hits, it can make me a bit uncomfortable.  Funerals, births, award assemblies and such can make me a bit nervous when I think I need a little more obvious emotion spilling out, but I just try to look dignified and controlled and go on.

I told you that story to tell you this one.  I have realized that this is a good thing when it comes to my spirituality, my prayerfullness, my ability to worship God and my relationship with Him.

Thankfully, I no longer depend on an emotional "whatever" to define my love for God.

I have always watch in awe that so many people can enter a "rapture like" state in church or in prayer.  I think we'd all agree that I'm not afraid of emotion, but wow!

I know that in the old days , us Catholics were called "The Frozen Choosen", (I don't think that was a compliment) but maybe there was a reason.  MAYBE we weren't a bunch of uptight, out of touch robots, MAYBE we were just comfortable sitting quietly and being in the presence of God!?  MAYBE we thought there was enough noise in the world, that at Mass it was time to shut our yaps and open our hearts!?

I know--freedom to be different--it takes all kinds---freedom to worship as you please---it goes on and on.  Don't mean to step on any toes.

What I do mean is--He is in my presence even when I am not.  He is at my side when I am preoccupied with dinner, where my children are, or if I brushed my teeth.  He is by my side when I am irritated in traffic, burned out at work and when I finally say "Help me Lord!".

I enjoy a good round of goosebumps as much as the next guy, but I am eternally grateful(and I mean that literally) that God knows me better than myself.  And that He and He alone will be my salvation.

I've become my parents. Sorta.

I grew up in a loving and comfortable home.  My parents adopted me as an infant and I never felt that I was anything but their child.  I never wanted for any of the necessities, and I enjoyed being an only child emotionally and financially.

But I was always astounded that almost anytime I stopped at their house, they were there.  Pantry full, food on the stove, house cleaned and ready to welcome me in.  And for years, I stopped in alot.  Needed advice, needed a meal, needed a favor, needed to borrow something, or need a place to hang out.  I needed and they gave.  Simple enough right.

My friends dropped in alot too.  Always a surprise---always laughs.  They all have great memories of Mom and Dad.

I'm telling you all this because I have realized lately that I'm becoming my parents and its NOT EASY!!!  Don't get me wrong....I have a hoot of a time with my kids---their friends--their boyfriends and who ever comes along but Mom and Dad made this look easy.  I think back at what they were trying to teach me.

1.  Love your children--even when they are not lovable.  That goes for your spouse too!

2.  Go to church--you will never be loved more than when you are in Gods house.

3.  Pay your bills--sometimes  all you have is your credit score and your dignity--and sometimes thats all you need.

4. Just put one foot in front of the other each and every day--its not fancy but thats the way most of us get through life each and every day.

5.  And last but not least--Don't sweat the small stuff--most of its small stuff!

Thanks Robert and Margaret.

Puerto Rico

Puerto Rico is one of my favorite places in the world.  I have visited the island twice now, once with my husband, Lou and once with Lou, Mike and Missy. 

The first trip was like a honeymoon but this trip was intersting as well because it was the first time the kids had flown or gone out of the country.  (Even if Puerto Rico is a comonwealth)!!

We went out on a catamaran(spelling???) the very first day and was quite possibly the most hilarious time we have ever had as a family!  Our "captain" was the PR version of Matthew McConouhy(spelling??) and great at his job.  The kids got drown with ocean water on the trip out--spotted a sea turtle--got stuck on a reef--and Lou and I drown on the way back!    Laughter the whole time!! And the most amazing view of our hotel and beach area from the ocean!

I was so glad that Missy loved the beach as much as me.  The whole family did.  No matter what our destination of the day...we always ended up back at "our beach", in the Atlantic.  (My personal spa!)

Rented a car and drove across the island one day to Ponce.  Ponce sits on the Carribean side of the island  and is the home of  "The Cross of the Americas".  Not quite the size of "Christ the Redeemer" in Brazil(Louis's ultimate travel destination!) But very inspirational and a beautiful view of Ponce from there.

Dined along the "Pork Highway" that has been featured on many shows on the Travel Channel.  Outstanding, open-air cooking!  We had so many great meals all week!  Missy ate beans and rice everywhere we went.  Its like potato salad recipes....everyone makes it a little different!

Took a morning to swim at Luquillo Bay that rest at the base of El Yunque National Rainforest.  Its the only rainforest that is part of the U.S. National Forestry Service.   And... more great food at the outdoor kiosek.  Lots of these little food stands with all kinds of goodies!

This is an outside wall of El Morro.  It is one of the 500 year old forts in Old San Juan.

Old San Juan is like a tiny taste of Spain.  The narrow cobblestone streets are still in use but scare me!  We parked and walked!  But seriously, whatever your idea of fun sight seeing is ...its there...history---shopping---nature, its there.

The Catherdral of San Jose.  Its the oldest church in the western hemisphere, this church has been under restoration since before our first trip in 2009.  We cheated an sneaked a peak into the courtyard--amazing!

El Convento is an old convent that is enormous!  They made it into a 5 star hotel and would be a possibility to stay at if we make another trip!

My gang was tired of getting rained on and probably hungry!  Once ya feed them, they are good to go!

Whether we were exploring tourist attractions, dining on the local fare or trucking down the roads along the beach...it was amazing.   I could go back for a month and be busy everyday with the sights of Puerto Rico!  I never knew you could put so much enjoyment in one tiny island!

The kids learned alot about traveling too.  They learned that lay overs at DFW means you take a nap--anywhere.  They learned that getting searched isn't all that bad.  They learned that if you buy it, you carry it.  And I think they even learned a little patience,  airports and tropical showers do that to ya!!

Lou and I were just happy we could do this with them before they are all grown and gone!  What a week!!!

Taking a breathe.

I was starting to think that I was never going to get back to writing these, but HELLO blog friends!

This past week--dare I say the last month, ending with last week, has been a bit on the emotional side.  And for those of you who know me, I am NOT afraid of emotions--good --bad, or otherwise!

But when you cram surgery,wedding, kidney stones, death and birth in a short amount of time, its really not surprising to feel a bit worn out.   Don't get me wrong, the birth of our first granbaby has been an experience in a half!  The biggest surprise ever and joy, joy, joy!  Its like he's been here all along--just part of the family only cuter!

But all these emotions are like some kind of crazy adrenelin rush, that just will not stop.  You can only say, "This too shall pass!"  so many times and it starts to sound repeditive!!!  In the grand scheme of things I know I am ok and eveyone close to me is too.  But personally, I feel like we are on a life boat right now and are waiting to get to shore.  I can SEE the shore but we are not there yet.  Each of us have individual issues and for me(as usual)  it is control.  I need to make sure that all my little chicks are safely under my wings.  This has always been my reaction to severe change--I guess I'll never change!

So for the near future my prayer is for a safe and simple life for myself and my family.  We are surrounded by the love and support of so many family and friends that care for us. We will rest in that fact.  We will enjoy the simple things in life like family dinners, a walk in the pasture and big hugs from friends.

As my youngest reminds me from time to time, "Breathe in peace, breathe out grace".

Monday!!

I'd be lying if I said that this Monday, like those of yore, did not have plenty of challenges!  What is it about Mondays?  Even when things go unbelievably well for the better half of the day, the other half just has to go KooKoo for Choco Puffs!  (I love that saying)

Most of the day was a frenzy of errands with Missy in Norman, very productive--totally fun!  I mean we knocked out a doctor appointment, breakfast, banking, shopping and even trying on potential prom dresses before noon.  (And yes we know that the prom isn't until next spring, but you have got to try on great dresses when they pop up!  Duh!)  Claification, Missy tried on the prom dress.

Anyway, we must have jinxed the afternoon while we were driving home gloating over our success!  Because the entire afternoon was one complication after another, nothing life changing but annoying never the less!  Long story short, we lived.  But dinner wasn't until 7:00, and I am weary of looking for this and that paperwork that I've misplaced.

Did I mention how much fun we had this morning?  Sitting here recapping the day doesn't seem so bad when you have had a yummy dinner, the family is yucking it up in front of the TV, the daughter is working on scholarship essays, and even the chihauhaus are content. 

Thats right!  You haven't met the Chihauhaus!!

Too many spinning plates.

Is it just me or are we spinning too many plates lately.  If you asked my husband, he'd say that you could drop the "lately" and make it "always".  My dear ol' departed dad would chime in with him I'm afraid!  You know what I mean by plate spinning?  The old Ed Sullivan Show had a guy on there sometimes that had about ten plates spinning on skinny poles--all at the same time.  Crazy amazing and wild music through the whole act!  Great visual for how I usually live my life.

But the truth is that I love a hectic life style--to an extent.  I think there are alot of folks with me--especially women.  Again, hubby would say "Just tone it down, step back, learn to say no".  I guess I wouldn't really know where to begin with that.  I think everything I do is important---or I wouldn't do it.

I've tried to be a perfectionist at so many things for so long.  I'd never want to let anyone down.  Martha makes it look easy, Paula makes it look fun, and now Ree makes it all look possible.   (AHHHH!)

Maybe that would help---just a good ol' primal scream!!!   Tonight I'll take the plates off their spinning poles and put them in a tidy little stack.  Then I'll sit back and do some thinkin'.

Or maybe I'll just buy some new plates.

All My Children

Yesterday I filled out the biography part of this blog site and I made reference to "all my children".  These wacky and wonderful folks are the topic of my blog today.

First of all I seem to have a knack to pick men with kids!   And if you knew me back in my twenties, when the kid thing began, you would say, "Abolutely, positively, NO WAY!"  The truth of the matter was that I was terrified of kids.  They represented an innocent, truthful way of approaching the world that I simply was not or never had been in touch with.  They wanted the REAL you.  Well thats a little problem I've had my whole life(but I'm working on-it never too late).  So, to say the least, kids made me uncormfortable!

Enter "The Burrough Trio"!   So if your scared of kids, get three!  Yeah, that will work.  Actually it did.  When Brian and his kids came into my life, frankly the amount of work for three children, 4 and under got my mind off of my silly hang-ups!  But I was lost.  First I tried to work it like they were a herd of something and that did not work!  News flash--3 persons--3 personalities--3 different likes--3 different dislikes--3 different ways at looking at the world.  OK  this is better.  I can do this.

Andy's the oldest and he was always trying to help me in monutenal ways---he carried more--he got on to the kids and he was very serious and compassionate about others.  And he loved and still loves football.  I knew I liked that kid!  He and I were always honest with each other and that may be why to this day he is one of my favorite people.  He doesn't live close to us so his visits are precious and fun.  I love his hugs--real rib squishers!

Keith is the next Burrough kid in line and such a sweetie.  Keith was the little wide-eyed, classic kid.  He loved to play and look at bugs and watch cartoons.  He was running buddy to Andy and best friend to little sister Pam.  And when he came to live with us full time for a while, I had know idea what a wonderful gift I had been given.  It truly afforded me the rare opportunity to get to know my step son in a different way.  It was more than what he liked to eat. I saw him fight thru challenges in school, make new friends, become a teenager with a social life and even a couple of broken hearts from girlfriends.   And when I needed him to help with his baby sister, he was always there making it fun for her. When you live with someone, you live with their successes and their failures, what a blessing.  He lives on the east coast and we pray he makes his permanent home alot closer.

Pamela was the baby girl but she handled the boys with an iron fist--literally.  Oh the stories I could tell--but I won't Pam!  I never had to worried about her being victimized by the boys or anyone else.  I met her when she was 18 months old and she could "hold her own" even at that age.  Pam isn't just a surviver, she a champ.  She makes the most of the situations in her life with a powerful determination.  Whether its taking care of her Army husband, baby boy or plans for the future, Pam is up front with it all.  But the sweetest memories of her was the time she spent close to my mother, the quiet side of Pam, learning from the older generation.  She too is farther away than we would like.

So life goes on and I actually make a baby of my own--not by myself---thank you Brian!  But I'll save her for last.  Life has its twists and turns, ups and downs and looky there--another man with kids!!!  Who'd a thunk it?  Like the way I transitioned that?  Men are another blog-yikes!

So here is this brown eyed girl in front of me with hair down to her waist and she's looking at me like---"ok who are you and whats this going to be like?"  Amber LaVon has grown up before my eyes on a roller coaster ride that would leave most people weak in the knees.  Situations and events in her life have been tough in many places but she is surrounded by love in every direction.  Love WILL see you through.  She fell in love with my baby the day they met, she is a fierce big sister to her and her younger brother, but she has a heart that is almost too soft for her own good.  Almost---I wouldnt change it for the world.  So she marries the best "good 'ol boy" that I've ever met and is ready to deliver our first grandbaby any day.  If you stay the course, good things WILL happen, she's proof!

Michael came as a package with Amber.  He was shy and unsure of himself and has challenges every day that we cannot imagine dealing with.  But he has always been willing to try.  His dad and I have worked tireously to give him any assistance he needs to make his way in the world, but his family makes the biggest difference.  When he needed speech pathology years ago, we all loaded up and drove to Norman, girls at gymnastics, Mike at speech and dinner out!   When Mike wanted to play Little League Football, we all loaded up, Amber with homework, Missy playing with friends and Dad and I even loading the dog up for practise. And OMG, the friends he made in football.  We all had a blast.  His sisters cut him no slack and thats what he needs.  Whether its Amber keeping him in line or Missy making sure his outfit matches those girls have his back, they always have.  Now he's in highschool, CRAZY about basketball (football was too hot!) and dying to get a job.  Not exactly shy and unsure anymore, huh?  The sky is the limit for Big Mike and we will support him wherever life takes him.

So along the way,  I did add my own creation to this mix, Missy.  I could write about her all day and probably will at some point.  But today I'll narrow it down a bit!  Not only is she the love of my life but I treasure my relationship with her each and everyday.  I love to experience her life as she continues on.  She's like me and she's not!  And those similarities and differences make it a blast!  I also love her individual relationships that she has with each sibling.  They have their ups and down, fights and fun, but she deeply loves each of them in their unique way.  She loves being the baby of the family but nobody babies Missy!  Even when she was a baby!  She is the most amazing person I've ever known and she cracks me up at least ten times a day. I am so grateful that because of her, I am bridged to all these other children in a strong and vital way.  Hard to explain in words, but we are all linked together.

I've had people ask me how you can love children that are not your own biologically, and I tell them I really don't know for sure.  I do know that I was adopted as a baby and was loved like I was their own and whether my children are step or "formally" step(I don't know the politically correct term) or biological, all children need love and acceptance. We just don't need to make it any harder than that.

Time off.

I dare say it may be a bit ambitious to think I can do this everyday, but for a while I think it would help to get the habit established!  I only have about a week and a half left with a cast on my leg after foot surgery.  The time has been filled much differently than I had expected.

I imagined weeks and weeks of emptiness with just my list of  "computer to-dos" to keep me busy.  Don't get me wrong, this has certainly been different and I have made a HUGE dent on the list(I alsways have a list).  But the first week I was sick(lingering from the surgery or viruses) and actually passed out from dehydration!  (OK --didn't plan on any of that)  Got it together just in time to attend a fabulous family wedding (thank you Jesus! Seriously!).  Then a couple days later I passed a kidney stone---yes I said kidney stone!  One minute I was having a great dinner with the family and an hour later my side felt like I had been hit by a mortar shell!  One quick trip to the ER, a couple of pain pills and I haven't felt a thing since.  OK--that was interesting.

But just when it looked like all was smoothing out, my mother-in-law passed away.  It wasn't like it was a surprise, we had all prayed for it.  Because as a family, along with many friends, we had learned that there are far worse fates than death.  She truly suffered those last few months and it was unbearable to watch.

It has felt so strange that I have not shed a tear since her death.  But I know that she and I shared many tears.  Somedays it was one of us or the other, but on several occasions it was both.  Given her medical conditions, I have no way of knowing if those tears were of a consoling nature or not but I do know that she and I, after all this time together felt comfortable enough to let our guard down.

Being the "second" daught-in-law, much farther down the road, I did not have the benefit of knowing this amazing woman in her prime.  But it was an honor and a true learning experience to be by her side for these last 5 years.  Strength and knowledge are bestowed on others in curious and silent ways.  It leads us down paths we do not know and cannot navigate easily. Thanks you Catherine for taking my bossy hand and teaching me to calmly care, nurture and maintain. 

Who know getting started AGAIN would be this difficult?

For the majority of my youth, I truly believed that , in one way or another, I was destined to write.  I didn't know the exact path, but I would go to college (OU of course,duh!) and then make my way in the world as an author of some kind.  I would work in this creative super world that I had always dreamed of.  I would own a huge farm house with billowing curtains, a small family living on the outskirts of the property to help me with the upkeep, an enourmous pool and deck to relax by, and a daily feeling of drive, challenge and accomplishment that would surround me each and everyday.

Nice plan--didn't happen--I'll get to that later--perhaps.   But I've tried to get back on course on more than one occasion--still not quite there, but I cannot seem to give up on the idea in one shape or form completely.  Time is ticking in this ol' life and I cannot bear regrets!!  I know I'm getting older--I own mirrors!  But I still feel like that girl in 1981 that thought it was all going to fall into place!  Newsflash!  Nothing falls into place--it doesn't even stay in place when we put it there.  But alas, I know that I still want to write and I still don't know in what way or form.

So until that works it self out I have writing projects underway.  More on that later(and why).  My daughter is my inspiration, I am her self appointed "Momager" in her life to get her to where she needs to be in life.  And I have found it a bit hollow sounding as I bark out advice and instruction that I not follow those rantings myself.

Each of my three project has a different medium and a different objective.  This blog will serve as my "rant", "sharing" or "confessional".  This is an exercise to write more, think more and organize those thoughts  like (I dare say this) a professional writer.  I've got to try and I've got to start somewhere.  Working the brain muscle is going to suck for a while but I hope that this proves addictive for me!

Say a pray for me!